boytellsall

In an effort to restore his good name, boy goes back to see the redhead.

I had to see a doctor for obvious reasons. While I was there I offered up some thoughts on the buddy system.

Everything you wanted to know about last night’s encounter with the redhead I’ve been flirting with on Facebook.

I was Googling to find advice for a guy whose dream is about to come true. Nada. It’s all “how can I convince my girlfriend?” or “we did it and now my boyfriend’s all jealous and I want more” but no one is giving the nitty gritty.

Until now. Herewith a clip ‘n’ save on what to do should you ever get the chance to have a two-fer.

10. Remove socks.

9. Make sure you have supplies on hand. You will need, at the very least, domes and lube. And toys but wait for them to suggest any play. Even though they’re naked and “have never done anything like this before,” one or both of the ladies might be shy. Seriously. Oh, and a big bottle of water beside the bed is key. You will need to hydrate. You are, god willing, in for a long night.

8. Eat at the Y. Make multiple visits south of the border. Be generous, man. You have entered Penthouse Forum territory. Do not fail your brothers by giving these girls an unsatisfactory experience, thus potentially depriving the world of women who are up for a party.

7. Do not favour one over the other. Yeah, you’re not really interested in the best friend. GET OVER IT. These girls are going to compare notes. You do not want your chances tanked with the one you do like because the BFF thinks you’re a douche.

6. Take their lead on the dirty talk. Don’t start spouting all that nasty trash you’ve heard on-line. Those are movies with professionals. Try to avoid saying something that’s gonna trigger someone’s latent, Catholic guilt. In the bad way.

5. If you have a system failure, remain calm. Get them to make out again and sneak in a tug. Still nothing? Time to fish that little blue pill out of the box on the floor beside your futon.

4. I cannot emphasize enough the need to pace yourself. This is an experience you want to burn into your brain. You want this night to replace the memory of the 30-second fiasco in the back of your dad’s Volvo that is your loss-of-virginity tale.

3. Avoid using names (but this may be moot for those of you who scored at closing time). Stick to “baby”.

2. Once it’s done, do not try to convince them to stay so you can go again in the morning. What if there’s a coyote moment in the a.m.? Do you really want to lose both arms?

1. Thank them. It’s polite. And be grateful until you die.

The days of reading and writing are dying out. Starting in about a week I will be blogging in technicolour. I will still be telling the truth, the whole and something like the truth, but on camera.

My good buddy got himself a sweet digital video camera for Christmas. With his help, I’ll be posting live and out loud very soon.

Get ready. It’s going to be glorious.