boytellsall

I roped my equally broke friend A.* into this scheme and we spent the evening working at the call centre. What a collection of mutants. Students, the chronically under-employed, musicians. A sorrier bunch of poxy mofos you will never meet.

The girls (none of whom would give A. the time of day) kept telling me that we get health benefits after three months. But I don’t care because I am going to cut my own head off well before that. And it’s all because of Todd.

Todd calls himself management. Todd needs to a) shave off the world’s nastiest comb-over; b) bathe, even if it’s just wings and tail; c) acquaint himself with some mints.

Todd ran the briefing session for the noobs (there were four of us). He didn’t like jokes. Apparently Todd takes his job VERY SERIOUSLY.

We were making calls for a political party into an Edmonton riding to “take the temperature” of the tight-ass constituents. Oh, and me without my rectal themometer.

Three things I learned today (which may also be useful for dating)

• Dial *67 before you make an outgoing call to block caller ID, thus increasing your chance of getting someone to pick up the phone.

• Mirror the convictions of the person you’re talking to. Enraged hog farmer who can’t believe the price of feed? I feel your pain, brother. Single mom who wants universal child care? I am down with the sisters.

• Focus on the end result, no matter how unpleasant the task. If you’re making calls four-and-a-half hours a night, think of the coronas and the honeys on the sweet ass Cuban beach not the fact that someone coughed all over your handset on the day shift.

That is all.

*I am not allowed to use A.’s name because he thinks he’ll get laughed out of his square dancing troupe if the other members find out.

So when someone suggests a job that involves easy money and a short-term commitment, my mind flashes to a plastic bucket in a Mexican jail cell. Thankfully, the proposal was entirely legal. No condom swallowing for me, friends. But legal doesn’t necessarily mean attractive.

We are talking call centre action. Phone jockey fun. How hard can it be? I can dial a phone. I can hold said phone to my face. I can read from a script. Any chimp can do that.

Or not…

I am done. Finished. Over it.I have thrown out my back three times this winter.

No, not in the fun, extra-curricular activities kind of way. In the I-had- to-shovel-80,000-lbs- of-snow kind of way because the mailman refused to come up the walk unless I chipped away the accumulated sludge and black ice.

And, seeing how I was waiting for a cheque – yes, it was from my mother; it’s a loan, so shut up – I had to shovel three effing separate times during this never-ending snow-dump. (NB all three international readers of this blog: It has been a total ass-jack of a winter this year in Toronto.)

I have had enough. And now that I am grasping said cheque in my hot little hand, it is time to get the hell out of here before I go berserk and hurl myself in front of the subway to get a break from this frigid wasteland 30 million of us call home.

That’s right, babies. Daddy’s going on vacation.

But I can’t do it alone. Like all top gunners, I am need of a wingman.

First, let’s explore the different types of said wingman:

(a) The Ice Man. Avoid him. He’s cool, he’s aloof – ladies love this. He’ll put the freeze on your game.

(b) Jester – chicks dig funny. You don’t want to wind up the Kenny to his Spenny. Or is the other way around? I can never remember.

(c) Goose. He’ll take one for the team, ie: you.

If you chose (a) or (b), you’ll be wastin’ away in Margaritaville.

(c) is your man. What’s good for The Goose is good for your gander – wait, what does that even mean? Anyway, moving on.

Let’s focus all our thoughts and attention on sand, sun and the rest of the trappings.

I need to get out of here. No question. But even with the cheque, I’m down 600 bucks. Now where am I going to get that kind of money with my skill set?

All suggestions for quick money making schemes are welcome. Particularly those of a lascivious* nature.

*I have read one or two books in my time, so I do know what that word means.

I became obsessed with Twitter this week.  It’s this wierd window into people’s lives 140 characters at a time.

A page of Tweets reads something like this:

	springnet Check me out live on my Justin.tv channel! Go to http://www.justin.tv/austin… to watch right now! less than 20 seconds ago from web
	DougH I am mortified– just mispelled my own last name in a Webex log in half a minute ago from Snitter
	waynesutton Reading a blog post about me @ginnyskal doing a live stream that is way wrong link coming soon half a minute ago from twhirl
	davewiner If I ran a TV network I’d ban commercials for dentures dog and cat food and ED. And freecreditreport.com. less than a minute ago from web
	cspenn Relaxing after a busy day walking around. Went to CQ - now researching DC lobbyist firms. 1 minute ago from web
	cdevroe What are you waiting for? Friend me up on Pownce: http://pownce.com/cdevroe/ 1 minute ago from twitterrific
	WickedGood Anyone got recommendations for a good free (or almost free) Photoshop alternative for the Mac? I know about The Gimp, what else is there? 1 minute ago from web
	benfu feeling a slight breeze coming through the blinds as I work. this is blissful. I like it here. 2 minutes ago from web
	photoboy I was just called racist by my GRANDPA for supporting Hillary. WTF 2 minutes ago from twitterrific
	alexdc BarCampMiami can haz soft drinks! They’re in the back hall by the FOWA breakout rooms. Open the doors that say Alarm Will Sound, it’s ok 3 minutes ago from txt
	bsweichsel trying to finish this paper 4 minutes ago from web
	kellysue @droob Link to apartment therapy shoutout? 4 minutes ago from twitterrific in reply to droob
	chrisbrogan You’ve seen the new LinkedIN design, right? What do you think? http://tinyurl.com/2rocw6 5 minutes ago from web
	TDefren A note to the BU students who came in today: ya’ll were a good group. I hope @pamelump wasn’t kidding when she claimed you enjoyed the mtg! 7 minutes ago from web

Who are these people and why do I now know that EntropyWorks now has RuPaul stuck in his head and vodkarockstar is now boyfriendless?  And why should I care?

But the thing is I do care.  I want to know these people, who they are, what they do and why they Tweet about it.

Twitter is cool and so are the people who Tweet.

I just read Alvin Tan’s review of a new disposable sex toy called the Onacup. He enjoyed the experience but panned the product on price and for environmental reasons.

I got this link from Pulp 2.0:

Issuu (pronounced “Issue”) is a new website where you can convert your PDF document into an interactive online magazine. You upload your document for free and create a magazine that is page-turning, embeddable and in looking at some of this stuff — really cool.

Here’s a comic made on Issuu. It makes me wish I could draw….

http://issuu.com/viewer?mode=embed&documentId=080210030654-5dc71e309bc14866b1a7b726e45307d2&layout=wood

In an effort to restore his good name, boy goes back to see the redhead.

I had to see a doctor for obvious reasons. While I was there I offered up some thoughts on the buddy system.

Everything you wanted to know about last night’s encounter with the redhead I’ve been flirting with on Facebook.